Here are the top tunes for July!
#5 “Disarm” – The Smashing Pumpkins, Siamese Dream
Starting off hella dark, but hey got to be real and tell you what I am actually listening to. This song is so heavy, but marks my intro to The Smashing Pumpkins. I’d heard of them before mainly because my former best friend’s step-dad was obsessed with. I actually really like this whole album and will do some more digging. The reason why this is number five is because I am still testing the waters here and this is a very very new addition to my Apple Music library. I already know I like “Cherub Rock,” “Today,” and “Geek U.S.A.” from this album.
#4 “I’m Spent” – Housewife, You’ll Be Forgiven – EP
This is another new artist that I was introduced to in June. This song in particular reminds me a lot of Momma, a band that has some tunes in my Top Tunes from last year (of which I was introduced by my dearest sister). I love Momma, so I automatically clicked with this artist. This song reminds me of a bike ride in the summer or driving with the windows down on a sunny day. So summer-coded and I love it.
#3 “Shotgun” – Soccer Mommy, Sometimes, Forever
This artist also reminds me a little of Momma and is also a new addition to the library. The 2018 album, Clean, I’ve also discovered is full of bangers. I’m going to make a playlist of Momma, Housewife, and Soccer Mommy, all because they have similar names and because their songs go so well together. This might be a little cringe, but all these songs remind me of being a teenager (I know I am but freshly twenty-one but let me nostalgic here).
#2 “North American Scum” – Emily Kokai, The Buccaneers: Season 1
This is funny because this song is from The Buccaneers, a dreadful adaptation of Edith Wharton’s novel by the same name. I didn’t particularly care for the show at all, but this cover of North American Scum is kinda a bop (just a little bit). I mainly like the opening and then the rest of the song is a little dragged out. However, the reason why it has made the Top Tunes is because I am currently in Italy and totally feel like North American Scum around these people. Like seriously, Italy is amazing…. The EU even.. maybe I have yet to be disillusioned but so far I am not missing home at all apart for my family and pets (and speaking English).
#1 “Hallelujah” – Jeff Buckley, Grace
And we are back to the depressing. This is kind of a strange one (and also a very personal one) of which I will delve into in the briefest way possible, keeping in mind that my current and future employers, all my family and friends, and anyone in the world can easily find this blog if they wanted to.
Basically, long story short, I have lived more of my life than I remember. And I know we generally just loose memories as we get older and all that. However, I quite literally have blank. I remember (ironic) in my first year of university one of the ice-breaker questions for my religious studies class was: “what is your first memory?” It was really embarrassing for me because everyone had something and I had absolutely nothing. I’ve tried restructuring my timeline with fragments and photos, but it’s really tricky. I don’t remember ever being a child. I don’t feel any sort of child-ness in me. Sometimes I think I was never a child (because I simply just can’t remember anything) and also because I’ve been so anxious that I’ve acted like an adult most of the time even though I should have been a kid. Most of what I remember more clearly is very negative and often school related. I cannot tell you much about myself in elementary school, but I remember feeling so incredibly alone and anxious. I had trouble making friends and I also felt so sick often in the mornings. When I think of my life pre-elementary school, it doesn’t exist at all. Middle school is more pronounced and high school is clear. I try and figure out all the time what my first memory is but I’m really not sure. I honestly think it would of had to be some time in middle school. So when it was time to tell my first memory in class, I was embarrassed to say my first memory was when I was twelve and not when I was three like most of the other students were saying.
This is something I have had to (and struggled) coming to terms with. I don’t remember most of my life, and the small pieces that I do remember are incredibly negative and damaging. For example, I can not tell you what I did during any of the play dates or sleepovers I had with my friends unless I saw a photo, but I vividly remember sitting in science class during fourth period absolutely starving because I didn’t want to eat lunch anymore. And I also remember mitigating arguments between my mom and my sister, but I don’t remember my Halloween costumes, or what we did for Christmas, or what I was interested in. I know that I like cats and books and plants and environment, but these are things I like now. What did I like when I was seven? What did I like when I was nine? I have no idea.
With lots of self-reflection (and therapy) I’ve realized that I probably have childhood amnesia, which can be perfectly normal or a sign that there was something I was trying to forget. Piecing together fragments has made me realize that from the get-go I was too anxious and that has had lasting effects on me. What is funny is that my mind has literally just done the opposite of what it was supposed to do. While it should seek to protect me by hiding all the anxious and sickening feelings and experiences, it held on to them and let everything else go. What a shame.
This month in particular, I did something very stressful: I left everything and everyone I’ve ever known (which isn’t much I guess) to live in Italy for two months. It’s been amazing and has also been a challenging time for me because I keep thinking about the path I took to get here. Three years ago, I wouldn’t be caught dead ordering a coffee in person, let alone drinking it in person. However, now I am totally embarrassing myself by butchering Italian while ordering focaccia. I’ve come very far , but it still hurts that I barely know where I’ve started. And I think this longing for the unknown has become fortified as I’ve spent more time with children this past month. I see their wonder and joy and I can’t for the life of me remember mine. And I know I am in my twenties and this is the time “to figure myself out” but I actually really want to know who I once was, because I think it might be able to help me heal my inner child or something. I doubt she even exists.
People have told me to leave it in the past, but I look at how we treat kids today and I see nature and nurture all over it. Children are molded by their environments. Children see their parents read and then they learn to value reading and may choose to read on their own. How do I know what I know and who I am if I can’t remember these things?
Well this was way more of a long story long. Either way, the reason why this song is important to me (and why I have been playing it so much lately) is that I honestly think this might be my first memory. A couple weeks ago I heard this song for the first time in a while, and I suddenly unlocked some memories, like the memory of me clutching my bright pink iPod shuffle and listening to this song in my pink bedroom right after I got it for Christmas sometime around 2009 (I think?). I remember the iPod shuffle had two settings, shuffle and play in alphabetical order. My dad had put all the songs on there, so I didn’t know them very well. However, I remember liking this one because of the melody, and I played it a couple times before going to bed. Now, I am still listening to it before I go to bed. It’s nice to know the old me is still in here somewhere even if I might not see her clearly. This song is also just so calming and makes me take deep breaths, maybe that is what I used to do before too. And I know this is a cover of the song by Leonard Cohen, I’m not dumb, but tbh this cover is so much better. I also just love this album so it’s been really nice to reconnect with these songs.
All in all, this is a very personal Top Tunes. I’m a little embarrassed that I don’t know much about myself and that it bothers me that much but it does. And this is my blog, so I can choose to write about it should I wish it. I have hope though, through random items in the grocery store, a smell of a perfume, or even the sound of the cicadas on a summer day, I sometimes get fragments sent back to me, triggered by everyday circumstances. It keeps things interesting knowing that every step I take might unlock more of the puzzle.